The Issue of the Sexes ******

Various famous RPG females are gathered At Seventh Heaven, discussing… matters. Yeah. _Matters_.

TIFA: Jee-SUS! Is it just me, or does it really suck being a female RPG character?!

CECILIA: A-MEN, sister.

RYDIA: God, don't get me started…!

CAMILLE: Disgusting!

Aerith gives them all one of her nauseating Squishy Bear smiles

AERITH: Oh, I don't know! Life is grand! I think being one of the elite female RPG characters is just wonderful!

They, naturally, stare at her for several minutes. LONG minutes

TIFA: Have a drink, Aerith. (hands her a beer)

AERITH: Ok! Drinking is grand! (starts to sip)

TIFA: ARGH! Why couldn't I have been a fighting game female?! At least they get to beat the crap out of people!

CECILIA: Actually, I hear they have it worse. Just ask.. SOFIA.

They all shudder

TIFA: Yeesh…. I hear one of her implants leaked and polluted a small lake.

RYDIA: It's TRUE! Do you want to know HOW I know this???

CECILIA: Ok, how?

RYDIA: Because the water supply at Mist village came from that lake… MY HAIR WASN'T ALWAYS GREEN, DAMMIT!

Rydia sobs into her beer for an awkward period of time

CLEO: You know, I really haven't any complaints about the whole female RPG character issue…

CAMILLE: Well GEE, I wonder why?! You're the ONLY character, Suikoden or otherwise, that actually fits into a C-cup sized bra and/or doesn't suffer from the, "I'm-vulnerable-protect-or-comfort-me!" syndrome!

CLEO:(smugly) Life is good…..

CECILIA: HEY! I am NOT vunerable!

Calamity Jane saunters in and glowers at her

JANE: Oh REALLY?? Who was it that was getting all weepy and wailing, "I'M A PRINCESS AND NOBODY LOVES ME BLAH BLAH BLAH WHINE WHINE WHINE"?!?!

CECILIA: Bite me.

JANE: What acre?

TIFA: OK! Ladies! Let's not argue! I'm in a REALLY bad mood right now, and I don't want to have to smack you around-

CAMILLE: "-with my enormous breastesese…"


Aerith blinks at them owlishly; a big, dreamy grin spreading across her face

AERITH: Tiiiiiifaaaaaa! Could you give me another drinky-poo? Mine seems to have disappeared…!

Tifa absently hands her a beer - she squeals happily - and glares at Camille while making, "I-can-take-you-on-any day!" hand gestures across the bar. Rydia continues to sob uncontrollably, clutching at her hair

CLEO: Ummm…. Is she going to finish her drink…?

CAMILLE: No. Have it.

Hands over Rydia's drink. As she does so, several MALE RPG characters stroll into the bar.

GREMIO: Young Master, you really shouldn't be in a bar at your age! I mean, just look at all the seedy, disreputable barflies loitering here, squandering their pallid lives away, victims of the evil known as alcohol…!

Aerith leers at him drunkenly

GREMIO: EWW! Just look at THIS one!

YOUNG MASTER: …… (thinks: "damn, I hate being a mute character…")

CLOUD: Geez, you Suikoden weenies - YOU guys never had a evil power-monger to fight, THAT'S your problem! I mean, not even a simple demon-lord, or psychotic ex-soldier plotting to destroy the world… you're all a bunch of sissies!


With a deft gesture that would make "The Young Ones" Vivian proud, Flik smashes a chair over Cloud's head. He drops like a stone

CLOUD: M…my hair…. All… m-mussed…. passes out

CECIL: That was unnecessary….

VIKTOR: Yeesh, who pissed in YOUR cornflakes, Flik?!

TIFA: HEY! Watch my chairs, pretty-boy!


RUDY: …….. (thinks: damn, I hate being a partially mute character….)

MATHIU: (turns to Young Master) Commander, the best strategy right now would be to step over Cloud's unconscious corpse, up to the bar, and ordering a non-alcoholic beverage. I recommend a small, reconnaissance party to do so, consisting of yours truly, Flik - once he's properly restrained - Gremio, Viktor, and Pahn. For reasons known, we won't take Sanchez…

A single tear rolls down Sanchez's cheek and he forlornly slumps from the bar

SANCHEZ: Nobody likes me…


Viktor gallops forward and grabs a random bottle

CECIL: Why, it's Rydia! Hello Rydia! How are you today?

Rydia, too far gone in her own misery, wails uncontrollably

CECIL: Oh, fine I see!

TIFA: You're kinda stunned, aren't you…?

CECIL: 'Stunned" does not register!

They stare at his strangely beaming face and slowly slide away

CID: Jesus FREAKING lord, what's wrong with this guy?!

KAIN: Oh, him? You get used to it - Cecil's one of those, "I fight injustice wherever I see it!" types. It warps his sense of perception and makes him annoying to be around at times.

TIFA: Hmmm… kind of like a male version of Sailor Moon!

KAIN: You know, I never thought of it that way before…

Cloud slowly crawls onto a stool, gingerly poking his neatly styled hair back into position. They all ignore him as he gripes about the injury.

JACK: Soooo, what were you ladies talking about before we got here?

CECILIA: Oh, the usual - the injustices of being RPG characters.

GREMIO: I'm not one to usually complain-

FLIK: HA! You live a LIE, you freakish nanny!

GREMIO: - but the resurrection of dead characters gets rather tedious. I mean, being dead isn't TOO bad…!

CID: EH?! What the hell's so good about being dead?! What could you possibly do in the afterlife that you can't do while alive???

GREMIO: Watch Fran Drescher on TV twenty-four hours a day.

BARRET: Yeesh, you nannies all stick together, don't ya…. It's like some eerie, do-goodin' union…


They all stare at her blankly as she giggles insanely and sweeps about the room, singing (badly, might I add), "I Shot the Sheriff."

VIKTOR: You know, I actually understand her…!

TIFA: You should, 'cuz that's not alcohol you're drinking; it's Pine Sol.

Viktor blinks

VIKTOR: That would explain the worms… (slides off his stool)

MATHIU: Oh dear… Commander, I recommend rescuing Viktor from his cleaning-solution ingested stupor - he's one of the Liberation Army's top soldiers-

FLIK: -who also happens to have the only set of keys to Toran Castle.

MATHIU: I… I thought I could trust him with them…

Viktor, from under the bar:

VIKTOR: Hee….. lookit the colours….. Hey, a peanut!!

JACK: HA! You guys suck - at least WE get to travel home in style aboard the "Gull's Wing!"

CECILIA: EH? You HATE that thing! You upchucked over the edge on the way over here!

CLOUD: Heh heh heh heh….

JACK: (defensively) S-Shut up! I… I though Hanpan fell over the side, that's all!!

HANPAN: (grumbling) Like I'm that stupid and inept…

CID: HA HA HA HA HA!! You buncha Wild Arm's morons! I CRUSHED that itty-bitty little toy like a cheap K-mart walkman with MY airship when I landed!!!

JACK: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! I'll rip your tongue out!!!

VIKTOR: (faintly) Th… that's… my line….!

CECILIA: Oh RELAX, Jack! It's not like we can't use the Earth Golem to get home instead…!

*elsewhere, in a city suspiciously like Tokyo, the setting turns black and white as the Earth Golem wrestles with a familiar, rubber-suited dinosaur while Japanese businessmen flee, screaming, "GOJIRA!"*

Cecilia's expression turns sour as the Earth Golem's head is introduced to Godzilla's radioactive breath.

CECILIA: Or not…


FLIK: Can't you all just SHUT UP??!!

An enraged Flik tears up one of the floorboards and smashes Jack over the head with it. Jack, in turn, promptly drops to the floor, out cold.

KAIN: My, somebody's in a snit today, isn't he…?

HANPAN: (wistfully) If I weren't a rat, I'd have done that years ago….

CID: HEY!! Watch it, you Suikoden hotshots! You bastards think that just because your game has a mature storyline and 108 characters you can push anybody around!

FLIK: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! Well, you freaking FFVII scum have airs that just because you're polygons you're superior to we hand drawn types!

RUDY ….. (thinks: err, we Wild Arms characters are both… but I don't think I'll mention it, as that one fellow's liable to bludgeon me to death with a table leg.]

CID: HA HA, pretty boy! We have our humble, hand-drawn roots too, you little @#$%! Just look at HIM!

Cid points triumphantly at Cecil, who's practically drowning in silly euphoria; Kain, who's just trying to escape notice by hiding behind an unfortunately misplaced porn magazine; and Rydia, who is tearing at her unfortunate green hair and screaming at the sky.

BARRET: (sarcastically) Gee, t'anks for defending our point, Cid…

CLOUD: Hey, guys! My hair's back to normal! I'm a Final Fantasy sex-symbol again!


CID: ………… Aw, hell…. Well… well…… TAKE THIS!!! HUMAN ASHTRAY STRIKE!!!

With a rebel yell and a motion swifter than the eye can see, Cid puts his burning cigarette out dead centre on Flik's hand. Flik howls and dances madly around the room while clutching the injured part and screaming several unmentionable obscenities. Chaos ensues as the majority of the male Suikoden cast promptly attacks the majority of the male FFVII cast, excluding Viktor, who continues to marvel at the stale peanut he found beneath the bar.

PAHN: (to Viktor) Hey…. Are you gonna eat that…?

MATHIU: Commander, we have our troops waiting outside the establishment, waiting for your signal to move forward and attack.

Young Master, however, is too busy staring with fascination at Tifa's chest to hear his military strategist's advice… or much of anything else, for that matter.

GREMIO: (aghast) Y-Y-YOUNG M-M-M-MASTER..!!!

TIFA: (to other female characters) You see what I have to put up with?

MATHIU: I can't work under these conditions… (departs in a huff while Gremio boxes Young Master's ears.)

CECILIA: You know, as I see Cecil viciously and uncharacteristically plant his foot into Cid's unmentionably spot while Flik busies himself with that cricket bat he seems to have found, I start to realize that perhaps being a female RPG character isn't so bad… I mean, it could be worse…!

TIFA: Oh? Explain how!

CECILIA: We could be male RPG characters.

Heh heh heh heh…..

All characters © their respective games. I'm too lazy to type them all out, so you figure 'em out yourself. No rights reserved, but cold drinks occasionally served.